Breaking the Silence (see links list at bottom)

There's a very personal area of our lives that I have purposely left off my blog. For one thing, it's easy to be misunderstood in this format. I also have little tolerance for martyrdom and self-pity-we all have our crosses. But I think it is time to share this with you. Some of our closest friends are aware of this area and we are deeply indebted to them for their love and support. Perhaps our story will help someone else. I am going to outline some the unspoken questions you may have--questions about something called "infertility."

1. Are you going to have children? My standard answer, "I don't know, you'll have to ask God."


2. You put off having children so you could develop your career, right? Wrong. Actually, I DIDN'T develop my career (go into management, etc) because I assumed I would have children and then be home with them most of the time.


3. Your dogs are kind of like your kids, right? Uh, no! That's disgusting to me.


4. Have you had or are you going to have any treatments--invitro, etc? No, not at this time. Bob and I have both felt very strongly that we are not to go that route.


5. Why don't you adopt? I know this sounds crazy, but we have had many people give us leads about kids that needed to be adopted. I counted recently and easily came up with 20!! different kids that we have considered adopting. Obviously, none of them have worked out and for a wide variety of reasons.


6. You want my kids? Thanks--but you would be begging for them back real soon!


7. What do I say? What do I not say? Just be yourself. It's pretty difficult to offend me. It's fine to ask questions. If it's not a good time to talk about it, I will say so. Check out the links below.


8. What are the most difficult things about infertility? Mother's Day (I don't go to church on Mother's Day, it hurts too bad). Christmas, baby showers, and baby dedications are also difficult. Pregnancy announcements are difficult--some of our friends have made a special effort to let us know privately before their big announcement is made in a public place-such as church. That small gesture means a lot.


9. Are you mad at God because you haven't had children? I serve a big God who is capable of handling tough questions and my frustration and, yes, anger. The 10 years I have spent on this path of infertility has taught me many things. I have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God. Bob and I have learned to enjoy each other's company and to face these challenges together. Most of all, I have learned that...

my value is not based on whether or not I can birth children...

my value is based on the fact that God loves me,

He created me with my own unique set of gifts and abilities, and

He loves me so much He died so that He could be with me forever!

10. What's next? Stay tuned for possible developments...we just had another adoption lead. Do we dare to dream yet again?


Links for more info:
www.hannah.org --information for anyone with questions about infertility, adoption, miscarriages, infant loss, and much more. Explore the different links. There's info for friends, families, and pastors. The "Beliefs" and "Issues" links are especially helpful.

www.hannahsprayer.org The community forum part of the above link. It takes a little patience to get access but it is well worth the trouble. It is a Christian website and the girls there are wonderful to offer info and support.

http://www.heritage-umc.org/html/helping_a_loved_one_with_infer.html --this is a page that has basic info about do's and don'ts when trying to support a friend who is dealing with infertility.
The best book I found on the subject is, "When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden." There are other books and websites out there if anyone needs more info I will be glad to help.